IWSG 07/07/16 – Effort Perserveres

We're here for you.  I honestly considered not doing this. I very much thought that I shouldn’t, because I’m not even sure I have the right to call myself a writer at this point. I’m finding it exceptionally hard to focus, to put in the effort. I haven’t put metaphorical pen to metaphorical paper in ages. I still write, sort of. I roleplay with a friend of mine, and the words flow easily in response to her replies. But I don’t really write my books anymore.

I consider myself ‘trying’, if only because I truly do want to write, I just… can’t seem to get around the block, the stumble, the ‘I should, but can’t’. I have time, time I spend on tumblr or youtube instead. I have energy, sometimes. Not often anymore, but sometimes. I blame my circumstances, and say to myself “You’re better than this, push through.” But… Honestly, I wonder if I am.

It’s the same with languages. I’ve always wanted to learn ASL and Japanese and Spanish. But I never seem to be able to put in the actual work. Only 180 words into this very article, and I’m having a hard time wanting to continue writing it at all, much less keep typing. My mind wanders, my eyes grow heavy, and I suddenly feel exhausted beyond measure. The same thing happens with housecleaning, with gardening, with anything I try. I feel lost and broken and lazy and spoiled. I feel selfish, because people are demanding things of me that I can’t provide. I feel, on my Bad Days, that I shouldn’t exist at all, because that would be easier than slogging through all of this.

I haven’t been to see my therapist in three weeks. I don’t have another appointment set up. I bathe maybe once every five days, when I can force myself to get up the energy to do it, because if I don’t, I just… don’t. I’m broken, in that I don’t feel that sense of accomplishment everyone gushes about. It’s not there. I finish things, I do things, I work hard, and I don’t feel that glow everyone describes. I just… feel like I haven’t done enough. It’s heartbreaking, and it makes me not want to try at all.

In the last four days, I have cleaned both the kitchen, bathroom and living rooms of this house, plus done more laundry than I’ve seen done in the entire history of my living in this house, plus at least two loads of dishes a day, plus watering the tomato and rose plants, and cleaning up my own room which was a pigsty. This is a massive amount of work. Trust me. But… I don’t feel accomplished. All I can think about is the fact that I haven’t done ENOUGH. That I keep being asked to do more, more, more, as if I’ve failed somehow.

I can’t explain it, properly. And I can’t tell you how to fix it; because I think, perhaps, there are no ways to fix it.

7 comments to IWSG 07/07/16 – Effort Perserveres

  • Christopher D. Votey  says:

    Perhaps the hardest part about writing is not doing it when you really want to. After my roommates stole my computer, and lacking a backup, I felt defeated. I didn’t do any serious writing for 11 years. I wanted to, the desire was there. I tried a few times, but the words didn’t come. It wasn’t writer’s block, but in a sense, I lost a piece of myself. I had to work to regain it, and when I did, the words flowed right out of me, and four years later, I have a number of books under me.

    I understand how you feel, and I wish I could tell you the secret to get back on the horse and making lemonade, or is throw a horse and rolling a stone? I forget. But this may be an issue of just waiting for when the moment is right, and not fighting it until then. Hopefully you don’t have to go through 11 years like I did, but you are already ahead of me when I was your age. Give it time and don’t beat yourself up about it. Give yourself to yourself to make yourself a better you (self, I had to say yourself at least one more time). Learn from the world about life, and when you’re ready to write, you can put that into your story. It’s what I did.

    • Nicohle Christopherson  says:

      Well now that yourself doesn’t look like a word anymore, I suppose I should admit you have a good point. There’s always such warmth in your words, Chris, I really thank you for it.
      Hopefully, mine isn’t as horrific as yours was. Hopefully, I can jump back in the saddle soon. Hopefully, I’ll have something to write about that isn’t whining! XD

      Until then, Thank you for being a good friend.

      • Christopher D. Votey  says:

        Words… there are no words. Just a series of ones and zeros.

        I’m more than your friend, I’m your mentor. Don’t be afraid to use me.

        • Nicohle Christopherson  says:

          There you go getting all philosophical on me! Or maybe it’s the opposite of philosophical? Hmmmm…

  • Loni Townsend  says:

    Life is hard to deal with sometimes. I hope you pull through.

    • Nicohle Christopherson  says:

      Thanks for your support, Loni. I really appreciate it.

  • Madilyn Quinn (@madilynquinn)  says:

    This captures exactly how I feel during my bad weeks. It’s weirdly good to know I’m not alone in having all these hopeless, defeated thoughts. I mean, hell, I completely stopped blogging because of these kind of thoughts. But really, that was the best thing I’ve done for myself. I have a little more energy to actually write instead of feeling bogged down by blog posts and comments. Still a struggle most days though – especially because I’ve lost a lot of the support I got from fellow writers while blogging… But what I’m saying though is maybe you should shift some routines around? Really sit and think abit priorities? It’s tough, feeling like this. I hope you can go talk to your therapist again soon, if that helps, but also.. all that house work you’ve done, I’ll say it: proud of you! That’s a lot of stuff to get done!

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