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IWSG – New Years Resolutions

  • Posted on January 6, 2016 at 5:05 pm

It’s January, and that’s the time to make new goals and to give yourself new resolution. Not only that, it’s the time of the year when people rest after lots of stressful holiday planning, and lots of gift-giving, and lots and lots of family interaction. It’s a time to retrace out steps, refresh ourselves with our successes and failures of the last year, and to plan out a new strategy.

Which, of course, means it’s time to break out all those old snacks and eat them already!

All joking aside, January, and new years in specific, are a very stressful time for me. I often find myself falling prey to my anxiety. In fact, I spent the entirety of the day of new years eve plagued by anxiety so intense that I literally couldn’t do anything other than  surf the internet. I had to fight myself for two hours to get out of bed. I was litereally paralyzed with fear at the thought of making plans and preparing for the new year. I couldn’t think of anything else.

Of course, it was silly, but when one lives with depression and anxiety, silly things tend to make your day worse. So, I ended up spending new years cowering, rather than partying. It was the lowest point I’ve ever experienced in my life. Okay, well, maybe not THE lowest. But it sure felt like it at the time.

Fully recovered now, I feel as though I have to work harder, to try and set up plans, so that if I feel like that again, at least I’ll have time to recover without also neglecting everything I’ve set up. Plus, with my medicaid now, I can afford the medicine that’ll help manage it. That will be nice too.

Basically, Finding ways to fill in for the gaps in my motivation and mental illnesses is first and foremost in my mind. I’m going to be attempting a lot this year, what with going back to school, and trying to save up, and I have to make sure that I don’t slack on anything. Which can be very difficult. Holding myself to a higher level is hard.

For anyone else who suffers through this, I wish I could tell you everything turns out okay. I wish I could take over for you when your illnesses kick in. I wish I could say that there was something to look forward to, a day when all of it would end and you’re capable of doing what needs to be done. For anyone else who suffers through this, I can only say, you’re amazing. I know you are, because I am, and I’m stronger than I think I am. I know you’re strong too.

If you want to see other posts like this, other posts from writers struggling with these sorts of feelings, go to the Insecure Writers Support Group. We’re all friends there, and I know we’ll welcome you too!

We're here for you.

Weekly Writing Update – 07/13/15

  • Posted on July 15, 2015 at 11:24 pm

This is a really hard post to write. Recently, my anxiety lead me to lose my job. This lead to an extreme downswing in my depression. A lot of my self-worth is tied into how I can support myself, and it’s very hard to have any self-worth at all, when you know you are the cause of losing your own job. I can’t blame the work. It was exactly what I was told, and knew, to expect. All I can blame is this disease in my head that makes it impossible to pick up a phone without my heart beating terribly fast.

This should have been a triumphant month for me. I finally finished Knight of Kuryle, and I’m in the editing stage, before I can give it to beta readers. However, because of my downswing, I have had no energy for anything other than basic survival. There have been days where I cannot get dressed. There have been days I have eaten only one meal. My job search has turned up one part time, temporary position.

I have been plagued with doubts. How am I going to keep my apartment? How am I going to keep from inconveniencing those I care about? How am I going to get food? These are things that circle in my mind.

Word Counts: 

First Book of the Kurylian Saga: 1.5 sections rewritten –

  1. Knight of Kuryle – 31,379 words – Draft complete – Editing started

Kaimi Rowe Series: Seeker Born – Rough Draft – Restarted w/new concept

  1. Snippet can be seen in Bruises and Broken Bones

An Asexual’s Guide to Dating – Outlined – one section handwritten

Blog Posts:

IWSG – The Green Mile

Books Read

None finished this week, sadly. Would love to see some reccomendations for this one!

Goals 

Edit Knight of Kuryle

Two more blog posts for this blog this week!

Read all of Wonderbook by Jeff Vandermeer

Start Dialogue by James Scott Bell

Start The Prince by Machiavelli

 

The Day Robin Williams Died

  • Posted on August 11, 2014 at 10:21 pm

Today, I found out grave news. Robin Williams is dead. A comedian, an actor, a legend, and he died. To be completely honest, it felt like the passage of some great age. It reminded me that anyone, at any time can die. It reminded me that death is the only certain thing in this world. And it reminded me of immortality, and all the ways we can acheive it.

Robin Williams touched millions of lives. More than he ever knew. And the man, that poor, poor man, was suffering silently inside, maybe for years. Who knows how long he fought off the demons of his mind, telling him it was better to end it now. To get out. To be done. I know how hard it is, to have those demons whispering in your ear. Depression is a serious illness. One that doesn’t have a cure. One that stays with you forever. Robin Williams was bipolar, and part of bipolar is depression.

Thinking about how he died, thinking about what he must have gone through… Makes me wonder, just a little, what I’m doing all of this for. What I want to be a writer for. What I want from life. It makes me think that maybe, just maybe, my goal is selfish. My goal has always been to be a household name. I want to be immortal, in the only way humans can achieve.

But if someone like Robin Williams can feel that that isn’t enough… What is it that I will find, once my goal is achieved? Once I have the recognition I crave, once my books are on the english highschool reading list, or on Oprah’s reading list, or whatever it takes, what will I have? Hearing Mister William’s story, reminds me of one of his quotes.

I am lucky. Because I have friends who love me. I have family that cares. I am lucky, and I hope, forever, that I am lucky, and do not fall to the same temptation and fear that Robin did. He was a great man, and it is so, so sad, that he suffered as he did. I hope, sincerely, to ever be able to touch as many hearts as he did. And I hope, that like him, I use it for good. To make others laugh. To make them smile. To help them learn. Rest in peace, Mr. Williams. You will always be in our hearts.

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