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IWSG – The Green Mile

  • Posted on July 1, 2015 at 8:10 pm

It’s the last bit of the book. The climax, the final battle. The most terrifying, wondrous conclusion of several years of your life, and you are shaking with excitement. Then, it creeps up on you. The fear. This is it. This is the end. You’re about to finish the last bits, and there is so much to be done after that, but it feels so… So final. You’re terrified.

That’s how I feel right now, actually. I’m at the cusp of my final victory, the triumph of finally finishing. And I can’t put fingers to keyboard without wanting to curl up in a ball and say No, it’s not done, it’ll never BE done. I think that perhaps that fear sits on me, crushing me. Worse than writer’s block, this comes right before a deadline, and locks me up.

The worst part is, it’s right at my worst writing too! An emotionally charged battle with dialogue. Yeah, I know, the bread and butter of fantasy, but I can’t help it! I’m still learning! It’s my very own green mile, the last long walk before the gallows of the public eye, and I’m sitting here terrified to take that first step.

What if it fails? What if my inability to write makes my words completely incomprehensible to anyone? What if all this time has been wasted? What if I could have spent it building models of airplanes and selling them on craigslist? What if, what if, what if?

Like many, I’m going to just have to move past it,  kick myself in the arse and go on trying. Because I can’t just let this die. Not after spending so much time and energy, so much blood and sweat on it. I won’t allow that to happen. And that’s the key. You can’t allow yourself to be your biggest enemy. There’s nothing worse than failure, except perhaps self-sabotage.

So buck up, self, and quit sabatoging! We can do this, and we are gonna knock their socks off!

IWSG – Security

  • Posted on June 3, 2015 at 8:09 pm

Security is a tricky thing. Some spend their entire lives chasing after it. Some are born with it, and retain it until the day they die. You can lose it, and you can gain it, as easily as the wind blows. There are a thousand factors to whether or not your are secure. Locks can help, or hinder, while hard work seems to attract and also abolish.

What I’m talking about is a complex thing. Something that everyone, I think, in their own way searches and yearns for. For some, Security can be a good paycheck and knowing where their next meal comes from. For others, Security can be the next road they intend to walk down, or the next turn on a map. For a few, security can be the end of a leash in another’s hands. For others, security is holding that leash, and knowing they could let go at any time.

It takes a long time to be able to determine what security is for ourselves. And once we do, we hold on to that definition, even after it becomes old, outdated, and chipped away. Human beings don’t enjoy change. We try to, we try to look at the bright side, and sometimes we fail. Sometimes, we push ourselves away from good change, cathartic change, in an attempt to force ourselves into a ‘security’ that no longer fits. False Security.

It takes work to define what Security means to you. It takes trying new things. It takes holding your own against those who would take your security away from you. There are steps that you can take to find and keep it. There are steps you can take to lose and break away from it. There is good security, and there is bad security.

But when security is found, when you really have it, it’s like the whole world is built just for you. You can be happy with what you have. You can set your sights on everything you don’t. You can tune out all those niggling worries, and focus on what is truly important. Security, beyond anything else, is what I crave most in my life. It’d be easier, of course, if Security weren’t as flowing as a river, and as flickering as a flame. But then, the journey for it wouldn’t be near as fun, would it?

So feel insecure. Feel downtrodden, and worry. All of that is work, towards the one thing you need above all else. Insecurity IS your security. Because you just have to let security in, to end insecurity.

A is for Alice (in Wonderland)

  • Posted on April 1, 2014 at 12:07 pm

One of the few things I remember from childhood, with any sort of depth, is the sense of absolute WONDERLUST that overtook me when Alice fell down that hole and into Wonderland. The White Rabbit had taken her somewhere beautiful and amazing and strange. It made me want, so badly, to join her. Which was, perhaps, one of the things that later developed my greatest joy and deepest sorrow.

It seems to me as if we are always, always yearning for something better, stranger, newer, more exciting. Or atleast, I am, and it drives everything I do. It is the reason I draw, the reason I write, the reason I walk down dark alleys in the middle of the night, staring up at the stars. That yearning, that deep rooted want for adventure sits in all of us. And if you say that it doesn’t sit in your chest, whispering in your ear, then you are lying, my friend.

Embrace it. Love it. Nurture that sense of wonder and joy. Pretend that you are peterpan, and play tag with the wind. Tell yourself little stories while you do the dishes, and spend time chasing down the fleeting dreams that run away when the sun peeks into the world in the morning. Let that need drive your actions. Let it teach you that risk has reward.

Because not every falling star is an angel fallen from heaven for you to find. Not every garden-door leads to a secret that must be kept. Not every seed will grow into a great vine to climb. And not every new person you meet is a friend.

But what if they were? And what if you missed out on the one great adventure in your lifetime, because you played it safe, and didn’t follow the White Rabbit’s call? Sleeping in the Garden with Dinah all day does nothing for one’s mind, nor one’s soul. Listen to the call of wonderlust in your veins, and do something amazing, something wild, something strange today.

You won’t regret it.

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