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IWSG 07/07/16 – Effort Perserveres

  • Posted on July 7, 2016 at 6:28 pm

We're here for you.  I honestly considered not doing this. I very much thought that I shouldn’t, because I’m not even sure I have the right to call myself a writer at this point. I’m finding it exceptionally hard to focus, to put in the effort. I haven’t put metaphorical pen to metaphorical paper in ages. I still write, sort of. I roleplay with a friend of mine, and the words flow easily in response to her replies. But I don’t really write my books anymore.

I consider myself ‘trying’, if only because I truly do want to write, I just… can’t seem to get around the block, the stumble, the ‘I should, but can’t’. I have time, time I spend on tumblr or youtube instead. I have energy, sometimes. Not often anymore, but sometimes. I blame my circumstances, and say to myself “You’re better than this, push through.” But… Honestly, I wonder if I am.

It’s the same with languages. I’ve always wanted to learn ASL and Japanese and Spanish. But I never seem to be able to put in the actual work. Only 180 words into this very article, and I’m having a hard time wanting to continue writing it at all, much less keep typing. My mind wanders, my eyes grow heavy, and I suddenly feel exhausted beyond measure. The same thing happens with housecleaning, with gardening, with anything I try. I feel lost and broken and lazy and spoiled. I feel selfish, because people are demanding things of me that I can’t provide. I feel, on my Bad Days, that I shouldn’t exist at all, because that would be easier than slogging through all of this.

I haven’t been to see my therapist in three weeks. I don’t have another appointment set up. I bathe maybe once every five days, when I can force myself to get up the energy to do it, because if I don’t, I just… don’t. I’m broken, in that I don’t feel that sense of accomplishment everyone gushes about. It’s not there. I finish things, I do things, I work hard, and I don’t feel that glow everyone describes. I just… feel like I haven’t done enough. It’s heartbreaking, and it makes me not want to try at all.

In the last four days, I have cleaned both the kitchen, bathroom and living rooms of this house, plus done more laundry than I’ve seen done in the entire history of my living in this house, plus at least two loads of dishes a day, plus watering the tomato and rose plants, and cleaning up my own room which was a pigsty. This is a massive amount of work. Trust me. But… I don’t feel accomplished. All I can think about is the fact that I haven’t done ENOUGH. That I keep being asked to do more, more, more, as if I’ve failed somehow.

I can’t explain it, properly. And I can’t tell you how to fix it; because I think, perhaps, there are no ways to fix it.

Weekly Writing Update – 12/18/14

  • Posted on December 18, 2014 at 7:02 am

It’s that time again~! Unfortunately neglected for a long time, my Weekly Writing Update is starting up again! NaNoWriMo kinda knocked me out a LOT. My sleep schedule got fucked over, my writing schedule got fucked over, and for almost two weeks, I couldn’t write a word, not even to get this blog up and running again. But! I am hopefully recovered, and going to start writing again!

Word Counts: 

First Book of the Kurylian Saga: 22,205 words

Kaimi Rowe Series: Seeker Born – Rough Draft – Restarted

Blue Roses – 9,971 words – Dystopian Love Story

Blog Posts

Guest Post – Chat With A Kitchen Witch

Imagine Your Oc – Practice Drabbles 1

Guest Post – Let’s Talk about Karma with a Kitchen Witch!

Asexual Awareness Week

NaNoWriMo Spotlight 2014!

Halloween Bloghop!

ISWG 11/5/14 – NaNoWriMo Anxiety

Winter Spirit!

Books Read

Little Red Book of Selling by Jeffrey Gitomer

Normal Gets You Nowhere by Kelly Cutrone

Goals 

Finish The Well Fed Writer by Peter Bowerman (Published 2000)

Finish Real Money Answers by Patrice C. Washington

Finish Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell

Polish up Blue Roses for submission to this contest

Two more blog posts for this blog this week!

 

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