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IWSG 11/5/14 – Nanowrimo Anxiety

  • Posted on November 5, 2014 at 7:08 pm

As November rolls around in it’s pumpkin spice scented, thick scarf-wearing glory, we come to the climax of the year. No, not Halloween, no, not Christmas, but National Novel Writing Month. A stupendous smorgasbord of author-interaction, NaNoWriMo offers opportunities few see the rest of the year (CampNano withstanding). From the immense support of the community, to the open forums that allow for even the most odd question to be answered, to the dreaded and oft loved IRL meetups.

For those of you, like me, who are addicted to the intrawebs, these meatspace meet ups can be a little… daunting. However, every year, I doll myself up Halloween, and attend at least ONE of the meetups in my area. Why? Solidarity. There are people like me, who are jumping at this crazy chance to do something few take the opportunity to do.  These people are there to spend hours hunched over a laptop, pounding out words and giving the world a new story to tell.

The only issue is, for those of you like myself, anxiety. Now, when I attended the meeting on the night of Halloween, I expected glee, to be filled with ridiculous amounts of candy, and to have all of that camaraderie boost me to unwavering heights! What I did not expect was a massive panic attack that I only soothed by moving into a secluded corner when my laptop’s battery died.

I’ve never been the type to have panic attacks based on the amount of people in an area. To be honest, I’ve only had panic attacks when I felt pressure to perform. And I was certainly feeling it. These people were SERIOUS about this, and they were not letting anything get to them, and here I was, my chest tight, my breathing panicked, and my whole body locking up. I couldn’t think of words, I could only continually realize that time was ticking by while I was sitting there in a panic.

Now, normally, to calm down, I would remove myself from the situation. But I’d come here, to this expensive restaurant, to sit with these people and be an AUTHOR goddamn it! I wasn’t about to waste this opportunity! But, in the end, my anxiety won. And there is a lesson here.

Sometimes, anxieties do win out. Sometimes, people just CANNOT perform when there are others watching them. Like the girl in Rumpelstiltskin, perhaps these miracles of straw into gold cannot be shown in the light of day, without revealing some ugly dwarfish truth about ourselves. And that’s alright. I learned the lesson that night that my writing process can only be shared with those that I am absolutely close to. The anonymity of a restaurant has to be offset either with loud music played in headphones, or with a couple of good friends who share a dinner with me while I type feverishly.

Luckily, I have found my nakama, and they do not mind my eccentricities. I doubt I will be joining for another write-in that isn’t virtual, not because of anything to do with those at the meetup, heavens no! But because, to me, the anxiety is not worth the loss of word count, and the loss of my sense of self to that overwhelming panic.

 

Ascended Gods – A question of morals

  • Posted on July 26, 2014 at 12:05 am

Tonight I went to see a summer hit, Lucy. To summarize, it is a movie about a woman, who, through a bad drug-ring run-in, ends up able to open up her very brain, and strive past the normal ten percent that most humans can access it. The movie is entirely about her journey from ten to one hundred percent, and what happens at the end.

Lucy Trailer

Now this is not the first story of a human pushing past humanities limits. In fact, there was another such being in media, one Dr. Manhattan. Through a freak science incident, this particular case ended up becoming almost godlike, capable of manipulating not just matter, but time and space as well.

But both of these two have something in common.

Both lose touch with their humanity, over a period of time. At one point, Dr. Manhattan, instead of exercising his gifts to save a woman, ends up allowing her to be shot. Lucy, despite her gifts, and apparent omniscience at the end of the movie, chooses to give mankind knowledge, but no guidance. Both of them, in the end, ascend beyond humanity, and choose not to interfere any further.

Why is this? What is it about these ascended gods that marks them as amoral, beyond the human concept, beyond understanding humanity, despite knowing, and having control over just about everything? Why do these so called gods choose instead to give humanity knowledge, and no true guidance? What is it about this ascension that takes them beyond any and all morals or codes that they held during humanity?

I beleive these characters are designed this way to invoke exactly that. A Godhood, an ascension. The belief that all humankind’s worries and needs are inconsequential in the larger run of things. However, I ask you, why would the belief, the realization of this, make these beings choose instead to fuck off into the deep blue mysterious beyond?

Why instead, do they not choose to stay? To attempt to guide humanity towards some kind of peace? If they have an absolute understanding of everything trivial and horrid that humanity has done, and how to correct it… Why don’t they? Are we to believe that once someone has ascended beyond all the worry, all the strife, all the day-to-day rat-races, that they would just… forget or ignore or lose interest in all of those they once cared about?

Dr. Manhattan’s transformation was quite well done, over a period of many, many years, and to be honest, I understand why he began to lose touch. He became entrenched instead on all of the mysteries the world had now unlocked for him. As he said, “I am tired of this world, these people. I am tired of being caught in the tangle of their lives.”

I’m curious, dear readers, has there ever been a case of one of these ascended gods choosing instead, to guide humanity? Successfully? Please tell me in the comments about it, about what you think would happen, and about what you think humanity’s response would be.

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